The Neurophysiology and Organising Principles of Connection
We all have a certain capacity for connection and relationship. There is an amount of relational charge that we crave, an amount we can safely engage with and an amount that feels like too much. Many times, we can deem a relationship unhealthy because it does not fall within what we interpret as the ‘right amount’ or ‘right kind’ of connection. The other is either ‘not enough’ or ‘too much’.
There is a lot of information out there about attachment styles, and in the world of psychology and psychotherapy, present relational dynamics are usually linked to our early childhood attachment experiences. In short, attachment theory suggests there are four different attachment styles that include:
Secure — grounded in self and able to move between sates of connection and disconnection with ease and internal safety. Able to maintain the sense of a separate self within relationship.
Insecure Ambivalent — feels overwhelmed by other in relationship and tends to withdraw and isolate in order to feel and process. Unable to maintain the sense of a separate self within relationship.
Insecure Anxious — fear of being disconnected/abandoned and reaches out for or demands more connection. Instinct to connect/merge with other within relationship.
Disorganised — oscillation between feeling overwhelmed/threatened and fear of being abandoned. Switches between merge/connection and disconnection. Unable to ground in the sense of a separate self.
Connection is neurophysiological, not just emotional.
Let’s consider that connection with another human is equivalent to plugging our nervous system into a power socket; but the other power socket, is in fact another human nervous system.
In this article, I’d like to draw attention to the neurophysiological experience of attachment and how diminished or miscalibrated neurophysiological capacity can form the foundation of our relational organising principles.
Organising principles are the unspoken laws that live within our interdimensional experience of physiology, emotions and relational dynamic. Once we can acknowledge that our organising principles can change, and how to affect this change, we can increase our capacity for healthy connected relationships.
Most people exist within one of the 3 following relational neurophysiological categories:
Parasympathetic-driven base line — there is a limited capacity for relationship of any kind. When there is a feeling of too much charge in a connection, this person will either shut down within the connection or disconnect from it entirely. The organising principle tells them ‘This connection is too much. It is a threat to me. I need to self-protect’
This is most commonly associated with an insecure avoidant attachment style.
Sympathetic-driven base line — there is a limited capacity for relationship that activates further sympathetic activation. That is; a relationship that triggers increased emotional charge. When there is a feeling of too much charge in a connection; this person will move towards an increasing state of aggression. However, they are less likely to disconnect. The organising principle tells them ‘ This connection is harming my sense of self. It is a threat to me. I need to fight and dominate.’
This is most commonly associated with an insecure anxious attachment style
Coactivated/disorganised base-line — There is a limited capacity for unstable or changing connection/levels of charge. The nervous system flicks between states of sympathetic and parasympathetic activation, with little capacity to settle and feel at ease with the level of relational charge. When there is a feeling of too much or not enough charge in a connection, the person will oscillate between the need to shut down or reach out for more connection. The organising principle tells them: ‘This connection is unstable. I want it, but it is also a threat to me. I am confused and I don’t know how to respond’.
This is most commonly associated with a disorganised attachment style.
How does this help us to change our capacity for connection and relationship?
Understanding what goes on in our neurophysiology and the underlying organising principle behind it helps us to acknowledge the boundary between our own internal states of safety and danger, in terms of relationships. We can not only challenge our unconscious reactions, but work to develop greater resilience and capacity to connect to, stay with and disconnect from external charge. In this case, external charge is the person we are in relationship with.
Here are some ideas to explore:
Look for your somatic signals of overwhelm
In order to do this, we need to know how we register overwhelm that precedes either disconnecting or demanding. Often there are distinct somatic signals that let us know that we are reaching a state of internal danger. Either we can feel the signals and ignore them, or we fail to register them.
Create a circuit break experience
In order to stop our nervous system entering a true fight/flight or freeze response (which will trigger our unhealthy relational patterns), we need to do something to increase our own feelings of safety. This may be to take a breath, ground, cry, sing, or take 10 minutes time out. We need to find our own way to activate or reactivate our pre-frontal cortex and stay present in a state of ‘I am safe’ within myself. This may take some practise and experimentation.
Find your voice
When you are feeling yourself approach the boundary of comfortable connection; that is, you are sensing signs of overwhelm and discomfort, let your partner know! Furthermore; ask them for what you need in the moment. (The catch here, is that this step requires a receptive partner that is aware of your experience and willing to work with you to change your relating patterns).
Stay in the brace
Often when we are moving into a state of overwhelm, the body experiences some kind of brace or contraction. Rather than move with our organising principle that tells us to disconnect or demand, stay with the brace in the body. Challenge it. Is the person we are with really a threat? If not, invite the brace to soften. Here we are working with uncoupling old unhelpful patterns. By engaging both the somatic narrative and the mental narrative, we can create new pathways to internal and relational safety.
Take it slow and steady
Once we have identified our capacity for connection we can work to continue to a) identify our thresh-holds and b) increase our resilience. It is important not to go from 0–100 quickly. The nervous system needs time to calibrate new patterns and change the organising principles to mark relationships as safe.
Your experience of relational safety or danger has been learned. It exists within your neurophysiology. Your nervous system is learning all the time. It is your job to teach it than connection and relationship can be safe and wonderful.
